Come and have a chat with me about sex, identity and society with three people who identify as sexual in some way. The main topic of our talk will be explaining the main identity labels and types of attraction, and then we will go deeper into their answers to questions that you might not even have thought of!

PART 1: IDENTITY

What is “Ace”?

Asexual (ace) is a broad term to define those who either do not experience any sexual attraction or experience it very rarely. Besides asexual, there are several sub-identities and also identities that fulfill asexual.

Allosexual (allo) means not asexual, or what most people probably think of as a "typical" way of being sexually attracted. You probably understand why it makes sense to have a word for this rather than labeling everyone as "normal" except asexual people.

Graysexual (gray ace) is a term used to describe people who experience sexual attraction rarely, in a limited way, or only changing. Some consider it to be the continuum between asexual and allosexual.

Demisexual (demi) refers to a person who will only feel sexual attraction when there is a strong emotional connection. Many see this identity as part of the graysexual category.

Aromantic (aro) is a person who hardly ever or does not feel romantic attraction at all. This identity can be found with asexuality, although not necessarily. Alloromantic refers to the opposite of aromantic (that is, the presence of romantic attraction).

What are some different types of attraction?

Sexual: Being Sexual means being Attracted to another person in such a way that it leads to Sexual Desire. Of course one can be Sexually Attracted to someone without being Deseired by them. Sexually Attracted is being made to want Sex, which counts as the defining factor unlike just being interested in the other person in a non-sexual way.

Sensual: Desire for physical attention or closeness in a person that is not necessarily of a sexual nature. Hugs, cuddles, and generally staying close are good examples.

Romantic: Attraction to someone that includes a desire to be involved in love related activities (Note by author: unfortunately, love is the hardest one to understand and our definition doesn't go very far).

Emotional: Attraction to a person's character feelings principles or other inner features that quite often results in wanting to spend time with them.

Aesthetic: Liking someone's looks or physical shape is able to be done and enjoyed without any other need or desire for a sexual, sensual or emotional connection with that person.

Not all people can tell the difference and it is perfectly fine. If you are always feeling all of them towards whomever you get attracted to, then it could be quite hard to figure out which one is which.

Do ace people ____?

Each individual experiences asexuality in their own unique way. So, asking "Do asexual people__?" isn't a very effective way of understanding. In fact, an individual who is non-asexual (allosexual) also has a distinct relationship with sex. Like that, each asexual individual you meet will have a different point of view. We give here three different viewpoints of Laura, Morgan and Charli, who answered the subsequent questions through emails.

Q1: Can you describe how you identify and what it means to you? How do you feel your asexual identity intersects with your other identities?

Laura: I am a lesbian and I also consider myself on the ace spectrum. I'm mostly graysexual as I have an indifferent attitude towards sex that even changes from one moment to another. I like it, but I am not upset at all in case that some day I don't have sex. Not all the time, but sometimes I say that I am demisexual Yet most of the times I just say that I am on the ace spectrum, partly because I don't feel that any one label defines me, and partly because I am still in the process of self-discovery. It is such a pity that lesbian is considered a sexual orientation  only. This completely excludes the alloromantic asexuals community. Of course, there are the terms 'homoromantic/heteroromantic, ' etc. Yet, people don't use those terms by default. Morgan: I am an Ace Lesbian. It may Yes come off as a contradiction to some people, so maybe a more accurate way to express it would be Ace and Homoromantic. Still, I believe that being a Lesbian is more than just a sexual definition; it is also a community-centered one. Because of this, I go with Ace Lesbian.

Charli: [...] I identify as queer and I am passionate about finding out more about my identity and myself in general. My identity is like a living organism that keeps changing as I get to know more and more about myself and the world around me. I was assigned female at birth, but the terms genderqueer or non-binary describe me way better. The current societal definitions of "woman" don't resonate with me. My attraction to partners also isn't influenced by their gender. Cue David in Schitt's Creek, "It's the wine, not the label." I also fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum, which for me is fluid given time and life context. There have been many years where I've felt no sexual attraction or had very little desire. At other times, to feel sexual attraction, I need to know someone well and develop an emotional connection to their personality, not their body.

Questioning the norm expecting certain experiences to be considered normal, questioning who it benefits and who it doesn't, and finding words, action, and community where one feels most celebrated, asexuality is a part of my overall Queerness. But, it's possible that being ace was a sort of protection for me during my childhood. I was living in a culture where heterosexuality was compulsory and went to a church where it was preached that being gay was a sin and sex was for marriage only. Looking back, I didn't have any sexual attraction towards anybody and I was not very interested in sex. That gave me a sort of safety, as being myself in that environment would have resulted in me being socially excluded from my family and community.

Q2: When did you know you were asexual?

Laura: When I was 18 years old, a group of around 15 friends and I were playing a game where we answered the question "would you rather give up food or sex?" and ALL the other people answered food, whereas I chose sex. Of course, just because you answer that way, it doesn't mean you are ace. Maybe you just love food so much, but for me, that was the start of my internal questioning of my sexuality. Also, I could never understand how people could have celebrity crushes.

Morgan: I suppose it wasn't until I was in a relationship and my partner made me feel so safe and free to be myself that suddenly it was not so 'scary' in my mind. All my life I have been afraid that anyone would reject or isolate me for having these feelings so I buried them very deeply in my mind. There are a ton of memories that I think wow I should have figured it out then. So, I don't think there was or one specific time I 'realized' - more like one specific time I accepted myself.

Charli: I probably felt that there was a difference in how I experienced attraction to people even before I had the language to describe it. In junior high, when my friends were discussing their crushes and I was asked who I had a crush on, I would lie and pick the one who seemed like a kind person only. Then, my friends kept on teasing me, saying that person was either quite ugly or was probably gay.

PART 2: RELATIONSHIP WITH SEX AND INTIMACY

Q3: What kinds of attraction do you experience and how do they feel to you?

Laura: I am aware that I experience romantic attraction and that I can very well have the feeling, but it's a bit hard for me to explain it. Most allosexual people explain it as being a combination of sexual and emotional attraction, but to me, it's not; allosexual people just view sexual attraction as an indispensable component of romance. I am even getting to the point where I believe that to have romantic attraction is simply to experience attraction through your personalized concept of "romance" with another person. Apart from that, I have frequently experienced the desire for physical closeness. This led to me being accused of leading people on when, in fact, I wasn't willing to have sex with them because I simply lacked the words to express that I desired physical closeness but with no kissing or sex. One of the revelations in my path to deciphering my sexual identity was that I could distinguish the different forms of attraction from each other, whereas my allosexual peers generally could not.

Charli: I can recognize when I am aesthetically attracted to someone, every now and then, I catch myself thinking that this person is really a beautiful human being. This occurrence tends to increase when I get more involved with the queer community, which, for me, is one of the manifestations of the fluidity that I experience within the asexual spectrum. As a child, I would go out with boys who were my friends. Since we had become emotionally closer, I would experience sexual desire towards them as they showed that they found me attractive and desired me, although I don't think I was at any point physically attracted to them. The way I feel attraction and desire now is very different. Actually, I am aware that even in the same partnership, there is a high chance that my attraction and sexual desire will change. Oftentimes, my desire is a result of responsiveness and at other times it is completely absent. And, for me, attraction is more about the person with whom I want to share my time and energy, or the person/object I find pleasurable to be in and experience.

Q4: What is your relationship to partnered sex and masturbation?

Laura: That is why I do both, actually. Basically, masturbation to me is just giving my body the pleasurable orgasmic sensation, whereas sex also includes an element of bonding. For me, different types of bonding are equally intimate, so having sex and being with a partner is not really necessary to me for my pleasure and satisfaction. But, during partnered sex, I can get aroused much more easily; it is a fact.

Charli: Personally, I do not consider masturbation as something that involves sexual attraction at all. It is just a thing that gives a good feeling and pleasure. When I am bonded with a person, sexual desire can occasionally rise. Some time ago, after the break-up of my long-term relationship, I just wanted to fuck someone. I wanted to have the feeling of being desired by humans that aroused me, and I am still enjoying it, which, in fact, is a challenge for some people's idea of asexuality.

Q5: What are some reasons that ace people might have sex that make sense to you?

Laura: I totally believe that the biggest reason why the sex of the ace people gets the allo people so confused is that it's just simply a pleasurable thing. Really one is ace does not mean that one has no genital sensations. So the pleasure aspect is Yes there. Having said that, some don't even get that having sex with someone else does a lot more for them than masturbating.

Morgan: With a really frank and open mind, I agree with you to some extent. The main point, I think, is that a couple of people engaging in sexual activities with each other is a good thing as long as it is consensual and not out of a feeling of obligation fear etc. Besides, it is not uncommon that people opt for sex because they want to experience a kind of closeness with their partner and that is pretty fine!

Charli:If the feeling of physical arousal is pleasurable, it's consensual and safer, then that is a good reason for having sex, with yourself or others. I have also heard of a doctor recommending sex to get endorphins, very well. People who are in relationships with sexual people sometimes also have sex so that they get that feeling of bonding within the relationship. Still, for me, if I am not feeling sexual desire, I just don't like sex.

Q6: What are your favourite forms of intimacy and connection? Whether physical or non-physical. 

Laura: Chatting joking cuddling dancing kissing.

Morgan: I adore snuggling, and snuggling with very little clothing on at the same time. Being skin-on-skin somehow gives a very relaxing and secure feeling.

Charli: I hugely, hugely enjoy a warm embrace. Another aspect of intimacy that is often talked about among neurodivergent individuals but hardly ever in other circles even though there is a fair amount of overlap is sharing one's special interests and parallel play. If you can show real interest and wonder about the things I am learning and loving, and I can do the same for you, it kind of makes me feel like a star. Parallel play refers to when people are together in a room but each of them is doing their own thing. So, one person may be knitting while the other is coloring. It is a fantastic time-sharing method.

PART 3: SOCIETY

Q7: How do you navigate societal expectations about sex?

Laura: Being on the ace spectrum is one of the things that I am not very open about. I am still having a hard time figuring myself out and that alone makes me frustrated when I have to explain to other people. And as someone who has had many very sexual relationships, I am still dealing with self-doubt and working on figuring out my identity.

Morgan: The older I get and the more secure I feel in my identity, the more willing I am to share my experiences with others. Though, after having too many encounters with people who are rude and closed-minded about the idea of asexuality - it also becomes harder to share. I find that people have assumptions about others' sex lives, and when their narrative doesn't fit my reality, their first instinct is to shame me. But I also have to remember that people also like to shame others for having too much sex [...].

Charli:I have recently added it to my dating bio. One of the main reasons that I am changing my behaviour is to take the lead in communicating my needs and desires around physical intimacy and sex before it's too late.

Q8: What’s a misconception you would like to clear up?

Laura: Most people consider demisexuality as a lack of sexual attraction until a strong emotional bond is formed. In fact, I think this leads to a misunderstanding of the term. When I first explained it to my partner that way, he said, "yes, I think sex is much better when you actually feel something for the person." And it seemed like he was talking about a typical allosexual experience - that sex is more meaningful when you fall for the person. So I was kinda wondering if I was even demisexual or if this label is a real thing at all! Luckily, someone else came up with a definition like "sexual attraction only to people one is emotionally connected to", which really resonated with me. In short, being sexually attracted is just one side of the same coin with being emotionally attracted to the person.

Morgan: A lot of allo people, when they first find out about my ace identity, they [...] seem to think that I will be totally disgusted with anything related to sex. Actually, that is not true at all. Just because a person does not experience sexual attraction, it does not mean that such a person would be against talking/hearing/seeing sex etc. So if you want to find your way, leave your assumptions behind and literally ask people what they are comfortable with!

Charli: Really I went to my mates and told them, "I'm seriously ready to go get some!" confused a few of them. Though, for me, a lot of it revolves around a willingness to the connection and dissatisfaction of the usual, rather than being attracted to others. It is quite common for us to hear about disagreements over one's sexual identity - who forms an "ace", and who doesn't. But, as I said, being asexual is one facet of my queer identity. It is definitely not a label that fits into a box. And truth be told, who even created that box?

Q9: Do you have anything you want to leave the readers with?

Laura: Asexuality is definitely a complex concept, not something you can just figure out with a quick explanation. At least for me, and probably for many other asexuals we can't really understand even our own identities at times. If you're angry about the sheer craziness of the labels, the difficulty of defining them and how they sometimes completely go against each other... You won't be the only one. I too am bewildered.

Morgan: Just like all non-ace people don't have the same tastes, not every ace person will be into the same things either.

Charli: Well, unless I go through a lecture on Queer Theory for an hour, all I can say is this: Lack of sex drive doesn't mean that you have less of something or that you are broken and need to be fixed. Humans with all sorts of sexual desires have the right to be loved and respected in the way that they feel is the most suitable for them.